My 23-year-old self, Panic attacks, and Infomercials

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’re no stranger to anxiety. The world at large is riddled with it. It’s caused by everything from information overload, deadlines, parenting, relationships, illness, trauma, and simply sitting in traffic during your commute. Anxiety rattles the minds and bodies of many adults and little ones alike. It’s become a socially acceptable state of being. 

Anxiety is a feeling of impending doom in the presence of threat that is either very real or perceived as real. It is the way that our nervous system keeps us alert so that we can respond to danger if danger is in fact a threat to our very survival. But even though this deeply ingrained protection mechanism is well-meaning, living in a constant state of hyperarousal can wreak havoc on our daily lives and deplete our very lifeforce. We’re not thriving, we’re just trying to survive.

I am no stranger to anxiety. When I was 23 years old, my baseline level of anxiety had worsened to the point where I began to experience panic attacks. I was a medical assistant at a family practice office. I was learning about medicine in this way prior to going to nursing school. Looking back, even then I was deeply sensitive to what the patients were experiencing with their health. I had so much empathy, and at the tender age of 23, I had no clue that I was very likely taking on the energy of others and had no idea how to keep that from happening. 

At home, my family was under considerable stress. My grandmother was dying. My mother and step-father were going through a tumultuous time in their marriage which affected my younger sister and I and we were all coping in different ways, not all of which were healthy. I unconsciously stepped in as the one who tried to hold it together for everyone. I played different roles for each family member. I felt confused, angry, worried, and anxious. I didn’t feel like there was an adult who I could trust to be there for me and my experience. I abandoned my experience to be there for everyone else. This story was a familiar, deeply rooted pattern in my young life and continued on for many years. 

My anxiety had been reaching a peek and pure panic started to creep in. For anyone who has experienced panic attacks, it feels worse than any physical pain I’ve ever had. It feels surreal and never ending, like an out of body experience. It felt like I was dying. After it passed, I was exhausted, foggy, and depleted. I started having an out of control fear that I would have a panic attack in public and something awful would happen. What? I have no idea. Was it the fear of being witnessed having a panic attack? The potential embarrassment?  Would they think I was losing my mind? Whatever “it” was, I was debilitated by this fear. Panic attacks became agoraphobia, and I started to withdrawal more and more. I knew this was a problem I just didn’t know what to do about it. I had been on an antidepressant briefly many years before and didn’t like the way it changed my mental affect. I didn’t want to be on medication again. I had zero guidance and was scared to death. The fear kept me from living. 

Anxiety and insomnia are besties, so it is no surprise that I was up, head spinning, most nights. I’d turn on the TV just for company, so I didn’t feel so alone. One night, I saw this infomercial that was talking about anxiety and depression. The very mention of it stirred up so much fear, I quickly changed the channel, like I was trying to avoid a scene from a horror movie. It was like some part of me just could not handle facing it. I knew I had anxiety. I knew the panic attacks were getting worse, but asking me to listen to something on TV about those things? No thanks. I just couldn’t handle it. I’d turn away and change the channel whenever I saw that infomercial. 

One night, after experiencing a string of panic attacks that had my mind in a complete mental fog, the infomercial came on and something inside became curious. A part of me was able to allow the infomercial to stay on. I listened to the stories, others like me, sharing how anxiety and depression had been affecting their lives. The infomercial was about a program for facing anxiety and depression at the root. It sounded promising, and I was starting to feel desperate. I ordered the program, which was 12 cassette tapes and a workbook, each chapter corresponded to one of the tapes. When it arrived in the mail, I promptly shoved the box under my bed. It stayed there for weeks. A part of me just wasn’t ready to face whatever I was about to find out about myself. I had an incredible amount of fear. It didn’t have to make sense, I just felt it, and I was just too afraid. After yet another near breaking point, I pulled the box out from under my bed and opened it up. I listened to the first tape and opened my workbook. It asked open-ended questions about my experience, and I journaled along with each chapter. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was beginning to explore my inner world. My internal felt sense. The sensations within my body that went along with the panic, the fear, and the thoughts that kept me from interacting with the world the way I wished I could. 

I worked my way through all 12 tapes and each chapter. Somewhere along the way, I stopped fearing panic attacks, and they stopped completely. I realized that it was my fear of having them that called them forward. I was facing my fear. I took my time re-joining the world in a way that made me feel comfortable, baby steps. In that moment, I became a Self-Healer. 

This was over 20 years ago, and although anxiety has absolutely been something I continue to experience at times, I never had another panic attack, and I never had to take medication for depression or anxiety. I understand that anxiety is there to tell me when my nervous system is overwhelmed, and it’s time to take a breath and see what needs my attention. And what needs my attention is me. I learned that I am worthy of caring for, worthy of the time and effort. 

My personal development journey has not been linear. I knew mindset work was not enough to heal what runs deep. Embodiment and nervous system regulation has supported me in ways that are hard to explain but deeply felt. It’s changed my life. I know how to go to my own rescue. I listen to my body’s signals to take a breath and go inward. To explore where I need to change course. I let anxiety be an ally, not an enemy from which to flee. 

Reflecting now, my 23-year-old self was a trail blazer, a self-healer before that was even a thing, and I’m damn proud of that girl. She was at the very beginning of a lifelong journey of healing, of elevating, of transforming. She was walking through unknown doors, in the dark, and all alone. She knew there had to be another way. I am so grateful for having had this experience. To know deep in my bones that I can face hard things and come out stronger and more resourced. Working at the root has become my compass. It’s not easy and it’s not pretty, but it is, without a doubt, the only way through.